my diary...

you are not around me anymore... god has told me now yu've got a place to come alive... i dont know if you've maintained the link n have come as a human, or have ascended the normal route of deeds... i really miss your presence by my side... i know you were here, n were telling me all that.. i really miss you, but now feel better as i believe now, you've attained solace...

when i felt the pressure over my hand that day, i felt like heaven, like you were there holding my hand, and then your everyday presence is something i'm gonna really miss... but now i dont cry anymore, for now you're in safe handsof god and you've got a body to reside in... hope you make the best use of this life and remain as lovely as you've ever been.....

i'll never foget you my love....n my best friend.... miss you a lot..... a lot.........a lot....

tougher!!! day by day things are getting tougher...seems as if instead of healing, wounds are deepening... worsening everything... its almost impossible to stop my tears these days... i dont feel like enjoying at all... how can i wen you cant... god's sick!!! he really is... he cant see the amounnt of injustice he's done... when he had to punish me, he could have taken me... he's a loser, he took you away...... well he seems to be clever...!!!.. he knows wounds pain more than numbness... he's taken a part of me, so that the other half gives up.... its not far that i'll kill the other half........

he challenges me all the time, he looks at my smile... as if he's sayin "how long are you gona smile?... " but i wana tell him that,even if he's taken the other half of me, i would smile.... coz i have... ok fine, m a loser..lost without you and betrayed by god..... nothing's left by now..... just nothing...

what is it so special about small things, that, it is they who create the difference, and not the big ones?...they are the reason, we miss out, they are the reason we score... JEE's paper embores big time people to leave petty questions of mechanics, at least this is what was told to me... just coz they ignored them, these small things turn out to be big devastations at result...

18 days since you left us... seems to be a small thing to the world, coz world has a limited vision, it , at times, cannot see what's beyond... and beyond lies my world, thinking about you all the time... lost in your memories all the while... and broken apart in pieces... no idea if i'd regain myself or not...

today, browsing my cellphone, i found a new year message from you on 1/1/2007, three years...
these days i live more in past and my dreams than my reality...my past makes me happy when i see us together, and think of all the time that was spent with you....
in my dreams, which i see with open eyes what i see makes me happy, i see us together living the future, but as soon as i comeback, my tears start to fall... as this fake world reminds me that those dreams shall never come true...
on 26th, while writing motion's paper... i wrote two poems, both for you....

hey.... m really missing you yar... i cant act weird any more i mean why's this happening to me?... why canti believe it.... i dont know what's going on... just that i'm moving off reality into more of my disastrous world......

today india faces its 60th republic year .... proud to be an indian rit??... this is not what i really wana say... i wanted to tell u that today i have test at motions... the last time i had good wishes from you but this time there's no one around me.... i feel sick and then i dont wana stusy now as i wana give space to my brain so that it can be best utilised in the test hours....
yesterday when elaine used those words, she didn't know what meaning they carried... just a good luck wish from you shall have made my day.....
i really miss you everytime.... all the while.... there's nothing that doesn't remind me of you...

hey boy.. how are you? really missing you... today i actually felt like talking to you... when the red shirt guy, today created nuisance for me in the class, i felt like crying.... i felt if you were here, you'd have slapped him....

i have been imagining a lot these days... a lot including what if you were still a part of resonance & infact you were also showing up at motion, where we'd always be together... we'd sit adjointly... study together.. move to mall for date... go here, n there... at our hometown we'd see each other's friends.. you'd take me to your and shravan's favourite place... we'd study together for the forthcoming school exams... u remember having promised to teach me for that?... i was supposed to prepare cofffee for the two of us... where it was a deal that we'd use just one cup for the two of us...
i can now see a lot of emptiness in my life without you... i feel how will i now enter the drawing room were every corner of it reminds me of you... every thing there has a memory with you... even this room of my hostel has you, i used the phone here... wen i was talking with you... telll me were not???...
every time i check my inbox i pray that this would all end up like a bad dream and there would be messages from you saying "love you... take care... missing you girl... y dont you stop thinking ablut me?... wish i could see you today!... chamcham...blue shirt...'v' gurl.." you see, i still dont remember her name... your eyes are something i search for... everyday in my dreams...

earlier i used to walk at insti, with my head held up... now'er'days i prefer floor watching... for if mistakenly, somebody with something similar as in you shows up, i'd break down... i wont be able to stop myself from crying...

i dont like to talk to people much, these days... a spec of your name, is a gash of memories for mw.. each strong enuf to tear me part ...fully!

wish..... what is the reality...... was never the reality.......wish it could all end up as a bad a dream
with me waking up at my home, hearing the sound of your bike downstairs.... running to the balcony and you with a smile and calling me down to go somewhere... and then me rushing for tuition... in my scooty and you in your bike... we driving very slowly cause of winter and talking about each other on way to aunty's home at 4:30AM and then after parking our vehicles outside the housee, we walking hand in hand to inside of her house to get our favourite seats... on seeing us together s****** bhaiya exclaiming "together again?, you guys are inseparable souls"

wish i could tell him ... he was wrng and that we've been separated... miles apart... we cant contact each other ever again!!!...... NEVER AGAIN!!!

i took bath, after i dont know how many days... and went ahead to see god... today is your's and goddess saraswati's b'day... lucky huh? blessed in studies boy?... u shall always be... this was the first time i faced every god and told each of'em that i was the luckiest person to be blessed with a friend like you... thanked'em and asked'em to bless each one of us with friends like you... for people like you create heaven on earth! then g'z and s'z friend soham showed up... this was the first time i wasn't concious about how i looked... instead i was pretty jealous... to see thati didn't have you beside when they had someone! i know its wrong... but at times, you cant help it!!!

in the gurudwara... the last time i came, my resolutions had kept me outside but this time i felt like god was shreiking at me saying ' its always the way i want it! when i wanted you inside my house, i killed your friend, to get my thing fulfilled...!!! ' i feel he took you away to make me realise how bad n wrong i was ... all the time i restricted mself from entering temples and gurudwaras as i felt unwelcomed for i owned a boyfriend, was wrong... and that i neda be punished for this... and then when it was me who was to be taken away, he took you... MISTAKENLY!!!


praying to god to send an angel for me,
the onee who'll bring back the smile
on my face which is not fake,
and not just for other's sake...
da one who'll stop these falling tears saying
'm dere for you dear' the one who'll take me
to the world of love n happiness from this
world of lonliness... oh god! my friends have
left me alone so there is no one of my own,
so please send my angel fast... or else,
this poem shall be the last....

~by a gurl.. who lost her love in tsunami... "sea, i'll never forgive you,even if you touch my feet a million times"
~its hard to live alone,its harder to chose someone to love but the hardest part of loving is to admit that you've fallen in love with someone who can never be yours...
~i cant talk to you anymore... its not that m mad at you, its just that when i talk to you, i realise how much i love you... then i realise o can't have you & that makes me love you even more...
~last night, your lost memories crept into my heart as spring arrives secretly into a barren garden, as a cool morning breeze blows slowly in a desert, as a sick person feels well for no reason...
~i thought my life loves me for no reason, but now i realise even life is selfish... it loves me, coz i have you... someone who's so precious to loose...
~ well, if you had asked me this...
#a person who reminds me of you?
ans. well... everybody... i keep searching for you in everyone... someone's got similar eyes, someone's got similar smile...
#first thing i thought wen i met you?
ans. guess i met you wen we were preety young, nursery!... so i hardly remember anything!!
#one thing about you i'm jealous of?
ans. well... everything Mr. Perfect Psckage! you got nothing missing in you, and i got almost everything missing! wish i could have had similar dimples!
#one thing about you i wont forget?
ans. to be true... everything thing about you remains fresh in my mind... you're never outa sighht... i want a miracle to take place, tomorrow when i get up in the morning i wana realise that it was a bad dream, with missed calls from your number and messages.... n i dont wana find this diary on getting up tomorrow!!!

happy birthday boy!!! checking out your orkut... hold on...
i feel llike putting on...
"boy..i really love you and miss you.. see this is what i had been waiting for... couldn't you hold on till now? i allways wanted to be the first one to wish you tonight.. to tell you.. here begins the 17th year of your life... i guess i didn't deserve you! You know i had been waiting since long.. you dont know how much i love you... n how much i miss you.. you never told me from where did this 10th jan come into scene as your b'day, coz its always been 20th jan... i always wanted to be your valentine.. awaited this date like hell.. hope we could have spent just some more time together so that i could've told you, how much i loved you..."
but all that i've put on is ... 'HAPY BURDAY.. MISS U..'

i remember every second that i spent with you.. it is a life time memory... you used to say that i ve got a gud voice... may be i could end up being a singer! remember you DUKHI AATMA fairy tales?? wen i used to ask u if you were sad and u used to say that you were really very happy!
i love to live with the fact that we completed each other...!!

well... you remember, something you brought for me from shimla?..... wish i could ve put something in the bag, when you came to collect the stuff!... wish dat, that day could've lasted longer... i miss you kitkats boy! i really fancied eating them!

tomorrow you shall get my letter! things may seem bad when you look at'em as in me not sheding much tears.. the real reason is m scared of crying... and after a point i can stop myself and jus go on concentrating that "i gota be breathing"....!!!! this stops me from crying!

i remember you went back as someone was waiting for you at your place.. wish i could've kissed you then instead of saying a goodbye... wish those badminton matches could be brought back now.... wish i could've seen you again staring at my rangoolis wen they were complete and could have heard your words... wish those phonecalls, stupid reasonless meetings could have lasted longer... wish i could betray science and the world and could just be with you... wish could bring you back.... n create a world where there was just you and me......

everything's incomplete without you... my branded n clean shoes are waiting for someone boy... wish i could ve shown you chamcham, blue shirt guy n black shirt guy... and together we could ve concluded that they actually stand no where in front of you...


somewhere in the sky, the angels are rejoicing as they own you now... but remember boy, you are, you were, and you shall always be mine....!!